realization

I realize how much happier and better off I am. I have a tendency to put blame on myself and doubt everything I do and what I can do or could have done to fix it. Or to be better. Or be good enough.

It wasn't something worth fixing. I am better. I am more than good enough.

This is vague and I am keeping it that way. Too long of a story I think to get into in the first place but all the details don't matter if in the end of this I realize those important things. I knew them all along though :)

Oops

I by no means forgot about you my precious little bloggy bloggity blog. I promise I didn't. I have this little thing called a job and another thing called school that occupies just about every second of my time and energy.

Whose idea was it to take 5 classes? Mine? NOOOO. I'd never make a decision like that. Not me. Not the overachiever over here. Nope.

[crickets]

Ok. So I'm taking five classes and after 3 weeks of trying my hardest in this freaking psychology class, I emailed the professor with this elaborate sob story about why I NEED to drop the class. You know what he comes back and says today? "It's done. Chris." That is it. Clearly a really personable guy but either way, a weight was lifted and I'm down to taking "just four classes".

Work is amazing. I really am enjoying school. I'm moving next weekend. Have I started packing 3 years worth of crap in my apartment? No of course not. I'll start tomorrow. No really. I'll start tomorrow. I started my application for UNC-Charlotte. I've been feeling like I was at a stand still but doing things for my future or to plan for it has kept me sane and motivated.

Life is just good. God is good.

Do you think I'm asking too much?

I want somebody who sees the pointlessness
And still keeps their purpose in mind
I want somebody who has a tortured soul
Some of the time
I want somebody who will either put out for me
Or put me out of misery
Or maybe just put it all to words
And make me say, you know
I never heard it put that way
Make me say, what did you just say?
I want somebody who can hold my interest
Hold it and never let it fall
Someone who can flatten me with a kiss
That hits like a fist
Or a sentence, that stops me like a brick wall
Because if you hear me talking
Listen to what I’m not saying
If you hear me playing guitar
Listen to what I’m not playing
And don’t ask me to put words
To all the spaces between notes
In fact if you have to ask, forget it
Do and you’ll regret it
I’m tired of being the interesting one
I’m tired of having fun for two
Just lay yourself on the line
And I might lay myself down by you
But don’t sit behind your eyes
And wait for me to surprise you
I want somebody who can make me
Scream until it’s funny
Give me a run for my money
I want someone who can
Twist me up in knots
Tell me, for the woman who has everything
What have you got?
I want someone who’s not afraid of me
Or anyone else
In other words I want someone
Who’s not afraid of themselves
Do you think I’m asking too much?

Owen Thomas

Seeing my brother with his son is probably the most amazing thing I've ever seen.

I might be wrong but isn't he the cutest little guy?

I love his hair line. Isn't that random?

I just thought I'd share some pictures of my Owen. He is 12 weeks old today. I met him when he was 3 weeks old and haven't seen him since. It is so hard being away from him. They live in Denver, CO. My brother, Justin, is so sweet with him. We are going on a family vacation to the Isle of Palms from May 29 to June 5 and I could not be more excited. I miss my family so much everyday and now with Owen, the dynamic of our family has just changed drastically. But not only that, my family has not been on a family vacation since our last vacation with my Dad in 2001. And NOT ONLY THAT, I don't even remember the last time we were ALL together at the same time. You feel me!? EXCITED!

So with that being said...I am going to go run and sweat like crazy because I have 6 weeks to look somewhat decent in a bathing suit. Boo.

Random Acts

I've just been down lately. I am busy with school and work and basketball just ended last night and traveling and taking care of my Chance and (trying to) have a social life and and AND!!!! Today I actually got out of class early so I asked my co-teacher Lindsay if she'd like to meet for lunch. She wasn't feeling well (also known as a hangover) and so I decided to find out what she would like at Panera and take her some light lunch. Then, I decided as I was driving to drop the food off for her, that I really wanted to take something back for my other co-teacher, Melissa. What does every teacher on earth like? Starbucks. Duh. Lucky day for me because I knew what Melissa likes from there. One tall green tea frap please. I was so excited to get to MSCS and have lunch for Lindsay and a yummy drink for Melissa. Neither of them have been feeling great this week. I know how that goes. It felt so great to just do something for someone else. They genuinely appreciated it. I don't do things to feel appreciated of course but damn did it feel good! I need to thank them for thanking me and meaning it. Mental note for tomorrow :)

AND I found the CUTEST clutch for my sister. Totally random little purchase and I thought I'd save it and send it for her birthday. Problem is her birthday isn't until July. Yeah well that wasn't going to happen the second after I bought it. I love surprising people but waiting to do it is the WORST. So I stopped at the post office today and it should be there by Saturday!

Just a good day to make other people smile and to show them I care. I enjoy that.

Dandelion Festival

Weeks ago my mom and I were trying to make it work that her and her husband Chuck would come to Raleigh or meet us (me, Lauren, Josh, and Brian) in Wilmington for the Azalea Festival. A friend of my mom's had told her about the Azalea Festival and at that point my mom knew I was going for it as well. So the next time she talked to me, what did she call it? Yep. You guessed it. The Dandelion Festival.

Yes mom. There is a festival celebrating the blossoming of dandelions.

Oh how I love her.

However, it didn't work out that she could come up which turns out was either the best thing or the worst thing. I'm still debating. The weekend was complicated due to my relationship and where it stands with Lauren. Side-note: I'll elaborate on that eventually. Give me time. So the reason I am debating whether it is good or bad is because I needed her. Had she been there, I would have had a place to go. I could have said I'm sorry to the boys and I know they would have understood why I just needed to go at that point. I could have cried on her shoulder. However, the fact that she wasn't there is good because I didn't have anywhere to run and hide. I had to face the fact (once again) that my relationship with Lauren is over. This reality just is not getting any easier. And facing that reality makes me a big baby and on those days, I want my mom. Still.

My relationship with my mom hasn't always been this way. For most of high school, I was going anywhere I could to run AWAY from her actually. Pretty typical of a high school girl with an attitude like you've never seen before. Yes. Me...with an attitude. Imagine that! And now--here I am with the most regret I could probably ever have in my life about how I treated her for those years. I lied. I probably even told her I hated her. I can NOT believe I said that to my mom. It still blows me away. So now, I see girls treating their moms the way I did and it makes me so sad. I wish I could go back and redo that. I wish I could change the attitudes of girls I see now and have them appreciate and enjoy their mom.

Allow me to share a story or two about my mom.

My anxiety has been off the charts recently. I can't get it under control and it really is just draining. Who did I turn to tonight because I was just pissed that I have anxiety? My mom. I text her and said, "WHY DID I GET ANXIETY?" Her response, "Breathe. Relax. Eat chocolate." Amen.

The conversation continued back and forth about what I was anxious about etc etc and when she could tell I was just tired of it and that really was all I needed to say. I didn't want advice. I just needed to be mad and throw a pity party for my mom to listen to. And instead of pushing me and trying to solve it for me like so many moms would do...she asked me about American Idol. She completely changed the subject. Any friend would do that for me I think but with her, its different because she is my mom. She said, "Ellen is so funny. And has such a beautiful smile. I think she even sparkles." I said, "Yeah gay people do that sometimes!" ;) We made each other laugh and for that time, she distracted me. A task I've been trying to do on my own for weeks to stop me from thinking and to stop my heart from racing. But because she is my mom, she could do that for me. I don't NEED her to. I don't turn to her about my anxiety. But she is still my mommy and I am still her Little J. Her JJ. Her J Bird. She does it without trying. She is just the best mom to me.

For so many reasons, I love her.

The view behind me at church.

Go figure

I start a blog and say I want to write and then what happens? I freeze. I got a cramp in my hand ok?! Why did I think it would be a good idea to start a blog when I'm in school full time and working full time? If you know the answer, feel free to tell me.

It also didn't help that the last couple days have not been the best days. I have anxiety and some days are just better than others. And the last two...are the others. All day yesterday, my heart was racing. I'd like to see what my heart rate is sometime on a day like that. Just sayin'. And of course I just pray that the next day is better. The most frustrating part about yesterday was that I couldn't pinpoint what was causing me to shake, sweat, panic, etc, etc. I've struggled with anxiety for years. I've tried medication and they do help but the most valuable thing to me is the fact that I've learned how to cope. But how the hell am I supposed to cope when I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M COPING WITH?!?! Awful cycle I tell you.

And now that I sound crazy...let me tell you about my weekend.

It was my friend Liz's birthday celebration and good Lord did we celebrate. A TON of people came into town from literally all over North Carolina. It was so cool to see everyone come to Raleigh for Liz. Good people...good friends. Friday we spend the evening drinking and getting caught up with each other and by "we", I mean "they". You see...this group of people is well, loud. Borderline obnoxious. Overwhelming. And I honestly DO mean those terms in the most loving way. They are rugby girls. Makes sense that they have these qualities. And not only that, but they've all been friends for five-ish years now. I was there for ONE of them. So I enjoyed some Bud Light and just listening and observing everyone. Poor Liz...lets just say she started drinking at 4PM Friday and was still DRUNK the next day until probably 1 or 2 in the afternoon. Hence why the birthday hangover didn't hit her until SATURDAY NIGHT! That is a trooper. And a rugby veteran.
I went home Friday night because I'm a home body and will do anything to make sure I'm home no matter what. I need my bed. End of story. So I woke up Saturday morning and went back to meet up with everyone. We sat outside on a patio for some breakfast/lunch and it was perfect. The group had dwindled (some people were still in bed recovering) and it was just so sunny and perfect. I had to split from the group to go to my dog sitting duties...remind me NEVER to say yes to that again. Awful.
Anyways, Saturday was going to be a day for napping and just relaxing. My apartment ended up being the "neutral zone". Don't ask. But we hung out here. All 10 of us. And seriously for hours, we sat without a computer or tv on just talking and laughing out asses off. I loved it. Damn do they make me laugh. As much as I was miserable at Elon for many reasons, I do have great memories and I have those girls to thank for that.

Sunday was a day that definitely changed me. 3500 people. Koka Booth Amphitheater. All there for one reason and that being to life up Jesus Christ and praise His name and His sacrifice. I've never experienced something like it. I was overwhelmed in the most amazing way possible. I walked down this path that takes you to the amphitheater seating and I knew there were going to be a lot of people but not 3500. Music was playing. The sun was shining. Koka Booth sits on a lake. I'm telling you. It was gorgeous. It brought tears to my eyes. I missed my family but for the first time in years, I felt okay with not being with them or all of us being together. I struggle at all holidays where we would normally be together and have traditions and all that fun stuff. I felt so safe and like I was with family that day. It has been 8 years and this is the first time I can say I was more than okay with where I was and my decision to stay in Cary so I didn't miss this service. I have a family at Crosspointe. Every Sunday there starts my week perfectly. I leave there refreshed and smiling. I feel a weight lifted more and more every Sunday. I love the feeling.


So you know my Monday and Tuesday were a little rough with anxiety but after thinking and writing about Sunday, I feel okay.

Goodnight everyone.
J

SATURDAY'S A RUGBY DAY

This weekend has been a reunion weekend for me and I didn't expect it at all. It is 2 in the morning and I am exhausted. Let me tell you one more time...exhausted!

Soooo...I'll write tomorrow and update on the whole weekend. It has been amazing. :)

Today is the day

I start a blog. And actually use it. Amen.

I literally just sat at my computer for probably 20 minutes trying to come up with the title of my blog. How do I give my blog a title when I don't really know what angle I want to take? And when I thought I had a good one, damn. It was taken.

I could blog about my every day life which could end up being boring to most. So then comes my writing ability to make it seem exciting. Welp, I should just stop there because that just ain't gonna happen. And no, I don't use the word "ain't" It was just for effect. Hope it worked. See...rambling. Movin' along.

I thought about taking up photography and blogging about my experience and trying to figure out how to take a picture other than pushing that button on the top. I want to get a nice camera. I love taking pictures. In fact, I am constantly looking around me and seeing things I want to snap.

I have a dog. You'll learn that really fast. I thought about having a section just about him and what we do and the little things he does but really, who wants to read about that? Me probably.

I'm a preschool teacher and a student. That tends to bring entertaining stories.

I also thought about chronicling my weight loss journey but that has yet to begin. See? I have ideas. I don't know what I want to do. I do know however that I would love to just write. It isn't pretty. It probably won't flow (read the beginning of this post to now)...I just want to write. I have lots to say.

I follow several blogs pretty religiously. Confessions of a Young Married Couple is fantastic. Katie is incredible. Her writing is fantastic. I was a blogging virgin until I was introduced to her. I plan to make her my bff as she plans to make P-Dub hers. It'll happen, people. I read several others and I'll make a list at another time.

I have goals in mind about this blogging gig. I want to be honest. I don't want to make myself out to be something I'm not. I want to tell you my struggles and my triumphs. I would love to have my family follow this. That might be scary to them. I'd love to have my real friends read this but I'm sure I'll be posting about them. This is my blog and I want to write what is on my mind. I'm sorry if I piss you off. I'd love to post this on Facebook and let my 800 some friends (half of which I've maybe met once) read about my life. I am obsessed with some Twitter. (follow me @jclauber) See...I have ways of putting this out there. My biggest step is going to be actually putting it out there.


Here I go.