Go figure

I start a blog and say I want to write and then what happens? I freeze. I got a cramp in my hand ok?! Why did I think it would be a good idea to start a blog when I'm in school full time and working full time? If you know the answer, feel free to tell me.

It also didn't help that the last couple days have not been the best days. I have anxiety and some days are just better than others. And the last two...are the others. All day yesterday, my heart was racing. I'd like to see what my heart rate is sometime on a day like that. Just sayin'. And of course I just pray that the next day is better. The most frustrating part about yesterday was that I couldn't pinpoint what was causing me to shake, sweat, panic, etc, etc. I've struggled with anxiety for years. I've tried medication and they do help but the most valuable thing to me is the fact that I've learned how to cope. But how the hell am I supposed to cope when I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M COPING WITH?!?! Awful cycle I tell you.

And now that I sound crazy...let me tell you about my weekend.

It was my friend Liz's birthday celebration and good Lord did we celebrate. A TON of people came into town from literally all over North Carolina. It was so cool to see everyone come to Raleigh for Liz. Good people...good friends. Friday we spend the evening drinking and getting caught up with each other and by "we", I mean "they". You see...this group of people is well, loud. Borderline obnoxious. Overwhelming. And I honestly DO mean those terms in the most loving way. They are rugby girls. Makes sense that they have these qualities. And not only that, but they've all been friends for five-ish years now. I was there for ONE of them. So I enjoyed some Bud Light and just listening and observing everyone. Poor Liz...lets just say she started drinking at 4PM Friday and was still DRUNK the next day until probably 1 or 2 in the afternoon. Hence why the birthday hangover didn't hit her until SATURDAY NIGHT! That is a trooper. And a rugby veteran.
I went home Friday night because I'm a home body and will do anything to make sure I'm home no matter what. I need my bed. End of story. So I woke up Saturday morning and went back to meet up with everyone. We sat outside on a patio for some breakfast/lunch and it was perfect. The group had dwindled (some people were still in bed recovering) and it was just so sunny and perfect. I had to split from the group to go to my dog sitting duties...remind me NEVER to say yes to that again. Awful.
Anyways, Saturday was going to be a day for napping and just relaxing. My apartment ended up being the "neutral zone". Don't ask. But we hung out here. All 10 of us. And seriously for hours, we sat without a computer or tv on just talking and laughing out asses off. I loved it. Damn do they make me laugh. As much as I was miserable at Elon for many reasons, I do have great memories and I have those girls to thank for that.

Sunday was a day that definitely changed me. 3500 people. Koka Booth Amphitheater. All there for one reason and that being to life up Jesus Christ and praise His name and His sacrifice. I've never experienced something like it. I was overwhelmed in the most amazing way possible. I walked down this path that takes you to the amphitheater seating and I knew there were going to be a lot of people but not 3500. Music was playing. The sun was shining. Koka Booth sits on a lake. I'm telling you. It was gorgeous. It brought tears to my eyes. I missed my family but for the first time in years, I felt okay with not being with them or all of us being together. I struggle at all holidays where we would normally be together and have traditions and all that fun stuff. I felt so safe and like I was with family that day. It has been 8 years and this is the first time I can say I was more than okay with where I was and my decision to stay in Cary so I didn't miss this service. I have a family at Crosspointe. Every Sunday there starts my week perfectly. I leave there refreshed and smiling. I feel a weight lifted more and more every Sunday. I love the feeling.


So you know my Monday and Tuesday were a little rough with anxiety but after thinking and writing about Sunday, I feel okay.

Goodnight everyone.
J