Dandelion Festival

Weeks ago my mom and I were trying to make it work that her and her husband Chuck would come to Raleigh or meet us (me, Lauren, Josh, and Brian) in Wilmington for the Azalea Festival. A friend of my mom's had told her about the Azalea Festival and at that point my mom knew I was going for it as well. So the next time she talked to me, what did she call it? Yep. You guessed it. The Dandelion Festival.

Yes mom. There is a festival celebrating the blossoming of dandelions.

Oh how I love her.

However, it didn't work out that she could come up which turns out was either the best thing or the worst thing. I'm still debating. The weekend was complicated due to my relationship and where it stands with Lauren. Side-note: I'll elaborate on that eventually. Give me time. So the reason I am debating whether it is good or bad is because I needed her. Had she been there, I would have had a place to go. I could have said I'm sorry to the boys and I know they would have understood why I just needed to go at that point. I could have cried on her shoulder. However, the fact that she wasn't there is good because I didn't have anywhere to run and hide. I had to face the fact (once again) that my relationship with Lauren is over. This reality just is not getting any easier. And facing that reality makes me a big baby and on those days, I want my mom. Still.

My relationship with my mom hasn't always been this way. For most of high school, I was going anywhere I could to run AWAY from her actually. Pretty typical of a high school girl with an attitude like you've never seen before. Yes. Me...with an attitude. Imagine that! And now--here I am with the most regret I could probably ever have in my life about how I treated her for those years. I lied. I probably even told her I hated her. I can NOT believe I said that to my mom. It still blows me away. So now, I see girls treating their moms the way I did and it makes me so sad. I wish I could go back and redo that. I wish I could change the attitudes of girls I see now and have them appreciate and enjoy their mom.

Allow me to share a story or two about my mom.

My anxiety has been off the charts recently. I can't get it under control and it really is just draining. Who did I turn to tonight because I was just pissed that I have anxiety? My mom. I text her and said, "WHY DID I GET ANXIETY?" Her response, "Breathe. Relax. Eat chocolate." Amen.

The conversation continued back and forth about what I was anxious about etc etc and when she could tell I was just tired of it and that really was all I needed to say. I didn't want advice. I just needed to be mad and throw a pity party for my mom to listen to. And instead of pushing me and trying to solve it for me like so many moms would do...she asked me about American Idol. She completely changed the subject. Any friend would do that for me I think but with her, its different because she is my mom. She said, "Ellen is so funny. And has such a beautiful smile. I think she even sparkles." I said, "Yeah gay people do that sometimes!" ;) We made each other laugh and for that time, she distracted me. A task I've been trying to do on my own for weeks to stop me from thinking and to stop my heart from racing. But because she is my mom, she could do that for me. I don't NEED her to. I don't turn to her about my anxiety. But she is still my mommy and I am still her Little J. Her JJ. Her J Bird. She does it without trying. She is just the best mom to me.

For so many reasons, I love her.